This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
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Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.