48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
You Might Also Like
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.