She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
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3% human
97% stress
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.