love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
What’s this sorcery? 😂
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no