The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
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me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie