Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You Might Also Like
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone