A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
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Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
this post was so formative to me
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR