[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs