This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.