took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
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I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.