When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Lol
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year