HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.