“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
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if my sleeping schedule was a person
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.