Who called it baking and not making love
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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Just me?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
i was baptized in a car wash
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills