unbelievably distressed by this ad
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Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
tell em, edith-anne
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.