I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Beauty and the Beast
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
He a real one for that
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good