HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
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me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
my mind
You just read my mind
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *