Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
They did not think through this water fountain
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?