I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
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the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.