“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
You Might Also Like
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
when revenge coincides with naptime
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
😅🤣😂
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!