Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
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him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Truth
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.