ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
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If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane