I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Goodnight 🐶
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!