You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
How do you like your Corgi?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.