People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
You Might Also Like
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.