[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
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Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.