I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
My work here is don’t.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Guantanamo Bae