Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
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Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time