Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
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[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.