[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
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I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero