Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?