I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
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When I can’t barge, I careen.
They did not think through this water fountain
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
honestly, i need both:
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again