Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
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[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’