“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
6: are snakes just neck?
Ron is short for Aaronald
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…