My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
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My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.