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#winning
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?