*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
me doing my best
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
podcasts
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)