My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
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Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
me, after any kind of buffet.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]