The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
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A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.