i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
You Might Also Like
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️