‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
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My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday