*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
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date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.