Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”