Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
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dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Morning my dudes.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.