Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.