“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
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OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.