I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Sell your car
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”