they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words