Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
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Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.