When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
This dude got his own movie?
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.